Ask Dr. DykeLove,

"friend in love", it does seem that there is a whole lot of loving and it is time to take it to the next level i.e relationship. On the plus side, you will be getting some. Unless you already are but you haven't said. On the other hand, your friend may genuinely love you just as a friend. From your letter it seems that it is more than that. Have you tried to drop a few hints that your feelings go a little deeper? Hers may well do too. So dear, try dropping a few hints and see how she reacts. She may welcome the opportunity to be more open and certainly this will take your relationship to a different level. Just be careful thogh, she may not feel the same way you do. If she is a good friend like you say, she will still love you as you are. If you are in love with a woman, chances are you may be gay. Or bisexual. It is ok. You don't say if you have been attracted to a man in the past or ever had a boyfriend. Some lesbians have had relationships with men before they came out to themselves and to others as lesbians. Some women who may have been with a woman in the past have also dated men and got married to a man.  So you see, sexuality is quite fluid. If you are a Lesbian/Gay, it is still ok. And if your friend does not share your feelings, hopefully you will meet a woman who will. Good luck!

 Hello Dr. I am a 25 year old woman. I live with my gilrfriend in Nairobi. We share a flat in one of the estates. Everybody thinks we are just friends including my family and hers. We have been together for six years now and i feel that it is time we told our families. This is especially because her mother wants to send her niece(who is 1 year and a half) to live with us. My girlfriend's mum is doing this because her other daughter passed away and she has too many grandchildren she is looking after already(coz of several deaths in the family). We both work and are well off and she (my "mother in law") thinks that the child would be better off with us. I think she is considering sending a little boy as well (he is five). My "mother in law" says she can trust her daughter coz she is single. She does not know we are a couple. We both like the idea of having a kid or two and we have talked about it before.But i feel it should be done in the open and our families should know about us. If they give us with the responsibility of raising children, surely it should be done in trust? "Closeted in Nairobi"

Well Closeted,

This is a hard one. It is quite good that your mother in law trusts you both with such enormous responsibilities. Raising children is no easy task whether your own or adopted. And you will be adopting. Make no mistake about this. It is advisable to get a lawyer and complete the necessary paperwork to avoid any misunderstandings or complications in the future regarding the two children. It sounds like you are looking forward to having both of them. A family. At the moment, same sex rights are not recognised in Kenya and so really it should be your girlfriend's name on the adoption papers. Your position as a lesbian couple is precarious in the current climate even in law and this is why it is advisable to complete all the necessary paperwork in case something happens in the future. Since you are both well off, it might be an idea to fly to South Africa or one of the other countries where same sex marriages are legal and get married. Even thogh same sex marriages are not legal in Kenya, this may nevertheless strengthen your position as a couple. And in the future if you get a chance to go live somewhere else, you will be considered as a couple and so will have it easier especially coz of the children.

Now for the burning question, to come out or not? What does your girlfriend say about this? Is she all for coming out? You are right. It is better to be open about it especially with your families and considering the current circumstances. Be prepared that not everyone will be happy about it. You may well lose some of your family members who may disagree with your way of being. If you need more help during this time especially with counselling, please do not hesitate me via outinkenya@yahoo.com

Good luck and congratulations!